Sometimes, parents just can’t give us what we need emotionally. Often, it’s because no one taught them how to. But this can leave us lacking the ability to navigate relationships, set boundaries, show ourselves compassion, and trust our feelings as adults. The good news is, it’s not too late to reparent yourself and give yourself what your parents couldn’t give you.
What is reparenting?
Reparenting is giving yourself what your parent couldn’t give you when you were a child. As well as depending on parents for our basic needs, like food, clothes, and a safe and comfortable place to live, we depend on them to teach us social-emotional skills too, like:
- How to identify and manage our emotions
- How to soothe ourselves when we are upset or distressed
- How to show ourselves compassion
- And more!
If children grow up in homes where unconditional love, examples of a healthy relationship, or healthy ways of managing emotions and behaviours were not visible or available, they can grow up to be adults who struggle to navigate these issues.
These life skills don’t magically appear, we have to learn them. So what happens if we don’t have compassionate, emotionally healthy parents, caregivers, or role models?
Signs you may need to reparent yourself
Are you overly harsh on yourself?
Do you ignore how you feel, or struggle to express your needs?
Do you find it easy to treat others with compassion, but lack compassion for yourself?
If so, you may need to learn to reparent yourself. Here’s how.
How to re-parent yourself
A great place to start is thinking about what you need.
What didn’t you learn when you were a child?
Did you have emotional needs that weren’t met? What were they?
You may be able to answer these immediately or you may need some help. This is where therapy can come in. A therapist can help you find answers to your questions and the therapy room is a safe place to explore what may be some difficult and previously unchartered territory.
While it can feel scary to start therapy, don’t underestimate the impact that being treated with respect and compassion can have, as well as finally having your feelings and needs validated.
Other things that can help
As well as therapy sessions, these things can help with the process:
- Writing in a journal
- Checking your self-talk-how would it feel to say nice or encouraging things to yourself for a change?
- Make time for meaningful self-care, whether it’s lingering over a cup of coffee in the garden in the morning or reading that book you never make time for.
Are you ready to reparent yourself?
Therapy can help guide you towards a more compassionate relationship with yourself and can help you develop better emotional skills so you’re better able to deal with what life throws at you.
If you’d like to discuss how I can help you with any of the issues you’re dealing with, get in touch at hello@lighthousepsychotherapy.co.uk